age and you

i have a theory about ageing.
the idea is to picture yourself at an age you want to be.
not all the way to being 17 when you're above 30.
that's pure nonsense.

so the theory goes,
picture the age you want to be,
then hold that thought.
and go to bed with that thought.
don't let it go.
you'll wake up looking more or less what you want to look like
when you get up the next day.

i woke up this morning
and realised that i've aged.
at least 5 years older from yesterday.
i let my mind go when i went to bed last night.
so this is what happens.

by the way, i'm 15.

my collection 090724

updates to my fountain pen collection.

1) Sailor 1911 large black, chrome trimmed, Naginata Concord nib
2) Sailor 1911 large black, gold trimmed, tombo dragonfly maki-e, Naginata Cross-point nib
3) Sailor 1911 large black ribbed, chrome trimmed, Naginata Togi nib
4) Sailor 1911 large yellow, gold trimmed, Naginata Cross Music nib
5) Sailor 1911 large demonstrator, chrome trimmed, medium nib
6) Sailor Susutake, aged smoked bamboo, Naginata Emperor nib
7) Sailor King of Pen, black ebonite, King Eagle nib.
8) Sailor Professional Gear 3 toned red KanReki 60th Anniversary pen
9) Pilot VP Yellow
10) Pilot Fermo Green
11) Pilot Custom 823, gold trimmed, black ends, SE clear demonstrator
12) Pilot dragonfly wings maki-e
13) Danitrio Mikado raw ebonite, soft medium nib
14) Danitrio cum laude blue celluloid
15) Stipula LE Pinocchio #13/881 brown ebonite
16) Stipula Suprema Amber 52 degrees nib
17) Stipula Etruria Ocean Blue
18) Stipula Etruria Alter Ego
19) Stipula Suprema Nuda, medium nib. *welcome back*
20) Aurora 88, black
21) Aurora Optima, burgundy, chrome trimmed
22) Aurora Talentum, black, chrome trimmed
23) Aurora Archivi Storici
24) Delta Dolce Vita Soiree, black
25) Parker Duofold Centennial True Blue LE #608/5000
26) Pelikan Souveran M1000, green
27) Waterman Kultur, blue demonstrator
28) Lamy Safari LE blue
29) Lamy Safari LE lime green
30) Lamy Safari LE orange
31) Lamy Al Star Silver blue
32) Cross Townsend, chrome trimming
33) Laban Kaiser, pseudo ivory chrome trimming
34) Omas Paragon Green Arco
35) Visconti LE #682/1069 Casanova "The Erotic Art Pen"
36) Nakaya long cigar red-black urushi
37) Edison pen, the Brockton LE #42/50, orange with gold trim, medium cursive italic nib

thinking about:
- Faber Castell Intuition
- Sailor Sapporo Demonstrator green

Life patterns

In the grand pattern of my life, some major colours have been introduced. They are not new, they were just ignored before. These colours have started taking dominance, weaving their own intricate path in the story of my life.

Kismet.

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grandma

a chat today
brought back memories of my grandma.
i call her tok.

usually at this time of the year,
she would go with her 3 months of fasting.
rejab, syaaban and ramadhan.
and her favourite all time drink when she breaks fast,
a&w root beer!
and guess who has to go out and get it for her?
and gets to keep the spare change?
who tells her that it may cost more,
and she indulges even though she knows it doesn't. :)

i would return all the spare change to her.
i dare not trick my tok of money.
that old lady is sharp when it comes to money.
she remembers every single sen!
in exchange for my runner services,
she gives me a crisp 50 ringgit note each time.
of course, i tell my siblings, i got a few ringgits for helping her.
that throws them off.
and i get to do it again the next time. :)

but i would have done it for nothing.
after all, she raised me.

i miss her.
may Allah bless her soul.

burden of secrets

i love secrets.
as much as the lord of the rings or harry potter movie.
secrets carry a burden with them.
be it a juicy or a solemn secret.

and i think,
i have a face that either just screams for secrets to be poured on me,
or a face that looks so 'blur like sotong' that if someone tells me something,
they know it would not register.
and the secret would be safe.
either way, i am told secrets.
almost daily.

i love secrets. :)

ignored

"it gets lonelier when you're being ignored."

morbid

i've not been able to shake my morbid thoughts.

i still see a dawn red sky which glows like a lake of blood,
an emptiness in attempts of living.

when what really matters,
is not paid attention to.

weary

my head is weary of thoughts
that adds no value to my life.
instead, it puts me in a make-believe state
with empty promises of tomorrow.

in reality, there's nothing.

i am weary.

roll in my grave

what if,
in a sudden burst of inspiration,
i had so much to say
and i started blogging it down
and scheduled the blog entries to be published
one each day for the rest of the year?

and what if,
i died the next day?

won't it be creepy to see entries published
when the author is long gone?
i would probably roll in my grave
laughing at my last unplanned prank on the unsuspecting world.

sorry, just feeling a bit morbid.
must be the mj songs on the drive back from the airport.

Hadith for this week

Narrated Jundab bin ‘Abdullah r.a.: The Prophet s.a.w. became sick and did not get up (for Tahajjud prayer) for a night or two. (Bukhari)

Allah knows best.

love them now

the demise of the crowned "king of pop", michael jackson, brings out the side of human behaviour that i just don't understand.

we all have a limited life span in this world.
in this short lifetime, we appreciate and develop love for individuals.
be it admiration for their achievement or contributions, or just plain love.

but why is it that we don't show or express this?
let the person know how much they mean to us.
tell them. appreciate them. love them openly?
but the minute the person disappears or dies,
we lament and cry, compose odes of poem, songs, confer titles and even write letters to the one gone?
why do we do that when they are gone?
why not when they are alive?

it's too late. just too late to tell them how we feel.
pointless in fact.
what do we gain for doing it when they are gone?

what i'm trying to say is,
if we love someone, go ahead and tell them about it.
sing to them. write to them. do whatever you like as long as they know,
that you love them and appreciate them.
do it when they are alive.
not when they are gone.
because when they are gone,
your voice and feelings does not reach them.
at all.

good day

it was a tough day, but it was a good working day.
granted, i am swamped with work.
within the chaos, i could see order emerging.
but it takes effort and time.
lots of it.
and that is going to occupy me for the rest of the week.

the worry i had the previous week during my vacation,
was as i suspected, just ranting from the top of the food chain.
now that i'm around, nothing. sheesh.

one distraction that made my day
was that i found a website that had what i have been looking for a while now.

http://www.quranenglish.com
recitation and translation together.
it's downloading time.

state of being

whenever you're riding the wave of 'euphoria & contentment',
does the thought of imminent 'crash & doom' lurk in the corner of your mind;
constantly nagging you to give it a cursory glance.
a constant reminder,
that happiness is short-lived?

i sound like a fatalist but i think happiness does not last forever.
i would like it to, but it was never meant to be that way.
i think, happiness goes through the same vicious cycle,
that sadness and despair, comes after it.
and if you survive the depression,
then you would return to a different state of happiness,
with the next despair waiting for you round the corner.

well, this is one of those secrets of the universe.
there is always a reason why we can't be in a state of euphoria forever.
and the positive side of me says, we can't always be in a state of despair forever either!

however, we can always try and make our being happy,
last as long as it can... :)

another working day

after a week of not being at work
being on vacation and medical leave,
i am almost apprehensive about going to the office tomorrow.

i know i have lots to do.
i could start on some today. on my off day.
should i?

no. i don't think i'm going to.
i'm going to leave work for work days.
only thing is, it's bugging me at the back of my mind.
so shush, my restless mind! quiet.
worry about it when you step into the office tomorrow.

ok, i'm off to read a book now.
and enjoy the weekend,
what's left of it.

my collection 090706

yes, this is a boring entry. bla, bla, bla.
i'm still doing it.
for those pens back in my folds, *welcome back*. i missed you much.
for the new additions, welcome. i promise to love you. i already do.

updates to my fountain pen collection.

1) Sailor 1911 large black, chrome trimmed, Naginata Concord nib
2) Sailor 1911 large black, gold trimmed, tombo dragonfly maki-e, Naginata Cross-point nib
3) Sailor 1911 large black ribbed, chrome trimmed, Naginata Togi nib
4) Sailor 1911 large yellow, gold trimmed, Naginata Cross Music nib
5) Sailor 1911 large demonstrator, chrome trimmed, medium nib
6) Sailor Susutake, aged smoked bamboo, Naginata Emperor nib
7) Sailor King of Pen, black ebonite, King Eagle nib. *welcome back*
8) Sailor Professional Gear 3 toned red KanReki 60th Anniversary pen *new*
9)Pilot VP Yellow
10) Pilot Fermo Green
11) Pilot Custom 823, gold trimmed, black ends, SE clear demonstrator
12) Pilot dragonfly wings maki-e
13) Danitrio Mikado raw ebonite, soft medium nib
14) Danitrio cum laude brown celluloid
15) Stipula LE Pinocchio #13/881 brown ebonite
16) Stipula Suprema Amber 52 degrees nib
17) Stipula Etruria Ocean Blue
18) Stipula Etruria Alter Ego
19) Stipula Suprema Nuda, medium nib. *welcome back*
20) Aurora 88, black
21) Aurora Optima, burgundy, chrome trimmed
22) Aurora Talentum, black, chrome trimmed
23) Aurora Archivi Storici
24) Delta Dolce Vita Soiree, black
25) Parker Duofold Centennial True Blue LE #608/5000
26) Pelikan Souveran M1000, green
27) Waterman Kultur, blue demonstrator
28) Lamy Safari LE blue
29) Lamy Safari LE lime green
30) Lamy Safari LE orange
31) Lamy Al Star Silver blue
32) Cross Townsend, chrome trimming
33) Laban Kaiser, pseudo ivory chrome trimming
34) Omas Paragon Green Arco
35) Visconti LE #682/1069 Casanova "The Erotic Art Pen"
36) Nakaya long cigar red-black urushi *new*
37) Edison pen, the Brockton LE #42/50, orange with gold trim, medium cursive italic nib *new*

coming:
- Faber Castell Intuition
- Danitrio cum laude blue celluloid

dusty and me

it has been a rather 'trying' week and weekend.
apart from recovering from vacation and a spell of migraine attacks,
i have been busy.
and it has nothing to do with work.

first off,
i had to help a friend through some serious 'family' issues.
it's a delicate situation and a sensitive one.
not easily resolved.

next,
was another friend with the story of a 'broken heart'.
and with any story of the 'heart', healing time is required.
and that involves friends.

of course, none of these things are excuses for a dusty blog.
it never was.
i just had no story to tell. :)

as we walked

i took my son, tunku muhammad with me for friday prayers this week.
as we both walked towards the masjid, i could not help but smile,
when i looked at him beside me.

it reminded me of the days when my father took me for friday prayers.
the only difference is, though muhammad is 10 years old,
he still insists on holding my hand as we walk to the masjid.
he doesn't care if anyone is watching.
nor does it bother him if people think that he's too big for hand holding.
he is comfortable. and he does it.

i miss being in that innocent phase.
where my thoughts are pure.
and my actions are as i see fit.
and the rest, do not matter.

sheep it

first it was re-tweeting.
then it was dusty blog.
i swear, some days, they just gang up on me!!