detachment

loving and going through the pain of losing whilst growing up, i learned about detachment. i suppose i learned this at an early age.

i was the kid that kept my prized toys in my own special drawer, safe and intact. my brothers were the opposite of me. one day, i found my toy gun and my robot missing. i found the toys later that day, broken and 'well-used'. i cried. but i also knew it was useless to be upset for too long. it would not change what had happened and i would not get my toys back to how it was before.

so, i removed all my toys from my drawer, and let my brothers play with them. i know they would get it anyway, on a day when i'm not looking. effectively detaching myself from my possessions.

with people, the application of detachment is difficult though the principle is the same. i know that deep down, i am an emotional "tempest". unbridled, i know psychologists and psychoanalysts would name a syndrome after me in every psychology book. i can't have that, can i? :)

so, i learned to love, and detach myself at the same time. it made parting easier. it made loving less painful. my friends accuse me of being emotionless sometimes. stoic. unfeeling. i empathised but was always quick to come up with a logical explanation to things (by the way, spock in star trek, is my role model). the irony was, i attracted people who were less able to control their emotions. friends who were emotionally troubled. and in the process, became their 'secret keeper'.

now that i am older, detachment is becoming even more difficult. i find my walls being chipped constantly by my family. by my friends. and as if to make up for those years of 'keeping it in', i go through bouts of 'emotional release'. i think those close to me know when this happens. they say, i am not 'myself'; more quiet. more withdrawn.

why am i blogging this?

i want my family and my friends to know. for them to understand. if i am not 'expressive', it's not that i don't care or love them less. it is because i love them so much that every little thing they go through affects me (a lot more than they know), and a part of me is constantly in pain when they are troubled. losing them is losing a part of me.

and the only way i can cope, is to detach myself...